Being Thankful



I've haven't liked Thanksgiving for a long time.

I've only known death in my family once. Twelve years ago my maternal Grandmother died, and ever since then family holidays have never been the same. Every year I look at my mom working her ass off trying make everything perfect and trying to make my Grandfather happy (which he never truly is), and for a long time I turned a blind eye to it. It was about food, the parade, and the National Dog Show. Tupperware, lots of leftovers, and the start of the shopping season. And it wasn't until I got sick my senior year of high school that I truly knew what it meant to be thankful. I was thankful for my own life, for my sister's life, and for the lives of the rest of all the people that I knew and loved.

It was that point when I started paying attention to the memories and the decisions that I made and what they meant for my future. I mean, it was also the end of my high school life, so that probably had something to do with it too. But most high school seniors hadn't had a brush with death and an uncertain future like I had. It was scary. It was humbling. And it was eye-opening. 

After that year, I paid attention to my life. And I remembered what I was thankful for.

~~~


This year is different. It's different for many reasons.

Six weeks ago my sister was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Fuck that. She's been such a badass through this all, and I can't express how proud I am of her more. Last week she got half her thyroid taken out, and all she can say day is day is, "I'm just really sleepy." 

If I was her, I would be so angry. But not Libby. Libby doesn't cry when she has her own problems. Libby cries when her pet rat has to be put down. Libby cries when her childhood best friend accidentally fatally shoots himself in the head. Libby cries for others. And I'm so thankful for how strong she is. The only thing I could do when I heard that she had cancer was escape my house for the night and get drunk with my friends and wallow when a guy I liked didn't come back and want to make out with me. What she did? She made jokes about it on Facebook. "The funniest thing is how much more graduation money I'm going to get than you." Really, Libby? You sassy little shit.

And for right now, Libby is cancer-free. Boo yeah.

~~~


This year is different because it's probably going to be my 85-year-old Grandfather's last holiday season. My mother had to call 911 on several occasions for him last Summer, and we just wanted September to go away forever. He almost died so many times that it was almost obnoxious the last time. But through all that, he's still here. I don't know what to think, because he's not happy. He hasn't truly been happy since Grandma died, and that's why the holidays kind of suck. But this year I'm going to make them not suck, if just for his sake. Maybe we'll make him some edibles for Christmas. Get him stoned. I dunno.

~~~
Through all of this I'm still here. And everyone else is still here. And I'm thankful for this life that I've been given. So I couldn't care less about your new recipe for a vegan pumpkin pie, or your cute little Pinterest-y DIY decorations. I couldn't care less about the "outrageous" Black Friday sales. I couldn't care less about the shallow, wasteful, capitalist holiday that Thanksgiving has turned into in this country. But I care about my life. And that's what this Thanksgiving is about for me. I'm thankful for all the opportunities and privileges I've had, as someone that has grown up in a relatively safe, but also sheltered community.

I'm thankful for what my parents have given me.
I'm thankful that my health has consistently gotten better every year.
I'm thankful that my father has never been laid off from his job.
I'm thankful that I've found a group of friends that make me feel not only safe, but wanted.
I'm thankful that I've never experienced depression, betrayal, or true fear. 
I'm thankful that my family isn't full of bigoted assholes.
I'm thankful that the women in my life have taught me to be a feminist.
I'm thankful that - as a woman - I've never been assaulted.
I'm thankful that - with all the unrest in the world surrounding Ferguson Missouri - I get to be angry about issues that don't "directly concern me" instead of terrified.
I'm thankful that I don't have to walk down the street every day afraid that someone will shoot me dead because of the color of my skin.

So when you're watching the parade today, remember that there are hoards of protesters taking a route parallel to the Thanksgiving Day Parade because of Ferguson. Because of what happened to Michael Brown. And because of what didn't happen to Darren Wilson.

Be thankful for what you have, but not blind to what others don't have. Be thankful for what you have, not what you need to get at 8 p.m. at Best Buy. 

Be thankful for what you have, right at this very moment.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Carnival Wax: Black Amber Perfume || NEW IN

This post is a long time coming. For the fact that it's been sitting as a draft for about a month and I've also been coveting this perfume for three years. THREE. YEARS.
This, my friends, is Black Amber. And yes, it comes in this badass pouch.
Look at it!
I literally have been wanting this perfume since I tried it at the Blush Beauty Bar three years ago when I was in Portland for Musicfest Northwest. Every time I went back I put some on and literally the next day I could still smell it on my skin. 

So I finally gave in last month and bought it. And guess what? I freaking love it.
If you like leather, cognac, amber, musk, patchouli, and anything dark and mysterious and witchy, you need this perfume.


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Analog One

Last month, whilst in Portland, I picked up a disposable camera from a Rite Aid downtown. Why? I'm not entirely sure why, but I wanted to capture a little bit of my trip on film, and this was the quickest way of doing so. I've seen a couple people do whole series on disposable cameras, and they always turn out so dreamy.
 
I love the clarity of digital and the fact that you can take thousands of frames and delete most of them is a nice luxury, but there's something about waiting for film to be developed that you don't get with digital. Will all the prints turn out? Will they be too dark? Did I capture something I don't remember capturing? What the hell did I use all these 27 exposures on? I want them now! 
It's the anticipation that makes these frames that much more special. The only sort of editing I did on the digital prints was slight brightening on a few of the darker photos. Two exposures didn't really turn out, but for the most part I'm happy with what I got.
When my friends and I were down at the food trucks, this was the point when we walked by Hozier sitting on the sidewalk eating a sandwich and we kept walking, like idiots. *stupidstupidstupid* Oh well, he's coming back on tour in February, so I won't give up that chance again. Ugh.
The rest of the shots I used in the city, buildings and parks, all my favorite parts of Portland. Even with the new cars, the familiar green tinge of the coloring makes these all look so vintage. It's the kind of coloring that VSCO Cam-ers dream about. Confession: I love using VSCO Cam.
I did get one decent shot from the Oregon Zoo, a.k.a the saddest zoo known to man.
Now more city photos.
This was the location Ghost Adventures filmed at when they did an investigation in the Shanghai Tunnels in underground Portland. Part of me wanted to capture an orb or something.
Voodoo is always the last place I go to in Portland - mainly because I always bring grub home for friends. 

But I didn't use all my exposures in Portland. I had several left, so I took the opportunity to take the cliche Seattle tourist photo on the rare occasion of being downtown (my roommate were at my landlord's office signing the lease on our new house!!!).
But I used the rest in Gig Harbor - on a particularly grey afternoon downtown.
Yes I was taking pictures while I was driving. So call the cops.
Someone had just left this boat down at the Jerisich Marina to sink. It was quite sad.
It's weird looking at these shots from Gig Harbor, because I never really photograph my little town. It really is pretty, no matter how much resentment I feel toward it for being so damn boring all these years.

Anyway, because I get too deep into reflection about my hometown, enjoy these little bits of analog in this otherwise digital world.

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